Guh. Buh..
Neural network-generated roller derby names

lewisandquark:

Or, this neural network is terrible at puns.

There’s a contact roller skate sport called roller derby where participants tend to use pseudonyms when they play. There are online databases of derby names so players can make sure their chosen name hasn’t been taken. Derby names are often mock-violent and/or sexy, but their most distinguishing feature is that most are based on puns. (The Wikipedia page has examples with the puns excruciatingly explained)

I learned all this when Lauren Barmore (aka Z Machine) sent me the full dataset of names from twoevils.org and derbyrollcall.com. She was one of several people who suggested I train a neural network on derby names. As with craft beers, coming up with a unique but clever name has become a challenge (there were more than 66k in the dataset she sent me), and she wondered if a neural network would be able to help generate new names.

The neural networks I train learn by example, and are good at mimicking the sounds and rhythms and common words of their input datasets (here, I used textgenrnn). With the derby names, it was the best at the “violence” category, although it sometimes forgot about the “playful” part.

Blood-Slug
Shady Bruise
Miss Carnage
Darth Death
Spank Bomb
Vicious Killer
Lil Hunter
Fun Stabs
Pain Pain
The Danger
Boom Storm
Princess Damage
Shredda Gore
Fatal Strike
Gore Storm
Bruise Bruiser
Rage Hatchet
Battle of Bop
Destroyer Smash
JoJo The Murder
Zog Mangler
Bonnie Skullmall
Princess Morgue
Hey Pain
Bear Rage
Danger Boom Box
The Fight Eye Command
Screaming Boom Chaos

Most of the time, I couldn’t tell what category it was going for. At least these names aren’t taken.

The Comma
Rude Professor
Lox O'Horror
Mayhem Chicken
Triple Cookie
Snow Warn
Badger Bambi
Eat-A-Skate
Moon Mage
Bruised Toast
Show Cat Emma
Sand Chaos
Hubbles
Lil Panter
Duck Chains
Shell Piper
Secret Booty
Cat Hand Stomps
Scream Ass Ele
Strawberry Pusher
Butter Mack Dash
Rumble Floobie
Sauce Bang Whip Short
Maim Shellbull
Damage Bunny
Farm Slayer
Pug Mile
Peach Atom
Bog Quad
It The Skater
Slurrs. Buggg
The Fusty Eyes
Flubblestrack
Nurfie Boops of Jenni
Morgunn Grace Shrimp

It also generated some horrible names I would not recommend. (Unless, perhaps, you are a bombardier beetle.) These are the printable ones.

Butty Destroy
Anus Attack
Booty Butter
Colon Boom Skillz
Bud Crack
Hell Poo
Drop Nightmare Lump

You’ll notice I have not gotten to the largest category of derby names: the puns. It turns out this neural network does not understand puns AT ALL, and it’s incredibly painful when it tries.

Kim Stroyer
Mary Splockings
Ikra B. Up
Aana Dastrophe
Burning Sweet C. Bang
Lucious Ally Mo
Alotiboot
Cheesella
Anita WreckPIED
Miss A. It Menace
Ace ‘N’ Hardy
Pan De Lucious
Pitty Tea N. Little
Shota Monster
Dizard Danky Maul
Frankin De Fight
Silence Stroye
La Vandastrophe
Harry Stabble
Sugar & Stranger
Slamm-Tonic

It’s positively weird. They’re pun-shaped objects that contain no actual puns. Occasionally one of its puns alllmost works and I think that’s somehow even worse. 

Prince Slam Lot
Booty Count Dawn
Pain Ferri
Punchlime
Boot Skateer
The Sweet Roll
Bone Damned Killer
Strongulate

It also tried to do the “sexy” category, but it was pretty bad at it. From what I can tell, text-generating neural networks do not understand what humans find sexy. Again, these are the printable ones.

Body Sparkly
Death Hot Sporty
Darth Sugar
Sanderwear
Rotten Sassy
Booty-Slammer Big
Mighty Danger Sass
Dirty Scream!

For the UNprintable ones, as well as a huge list of >500 unsorted derby names (most of which are terrible not-puns), enter your email here.

I

My friend told me a story he hadn’t told anyone for years. When he used to tell it years ago people would laugh and say, ‘Who’d believe that? How can that be true? That’s daft.’ So he didn’t tell it again for ages. But for some reason, last night, he knew it would be just the kind of story I would love.
 
When he was a kid, he said, they didn’t use the word autism, they just said ‘shy’, or ‘isn’t very good at being around strangers or lots of people.’ But that’s what he was, and is, and he doesn’t mind telling anyone. It’s just a matter of fact with him, and sometimes it makes him sound a little and act different, but that’s okay.
 
Anyway, when he was a kid it was the middle of the 1980s and they were still saying ‘shy’ or ‘withdrawn’ rather than ‘autistic’. He went to London with his mother to see a special screening of a new film he really loved. He must have won a competition or something, I think. Some of the details he can’t quite remember, but he thinks it must have been London they went to, and the film…! Well, the film is one of my all-time favourites, too. It’s a dark, mysterious fantasy movie. Every single frame is crammed with puppets and goblins. There are silly songs and a goblin king who wears clingy silver tights and who kidnaps a baby and this is what kickstarts the whole adventure.
 
It was ‘Labyrinth’, of course, and the star was David Bowie, and he was there to meet the children who had come to see this special screening.
 
‘I met David Bowie once,’ was the thing that my friend said, that caught my attention.
 
‘You did? When was this?’ I was amazed, and surprised, too, at the casual way he brought this revelation out. Almost anyone else I know would have told the tale a million times already.
 
He seemed surprised I would want to know, and he told me the whole thing, all out of order, and I eked the details out of him.
 
He told the story as if it was he’d been on an adventure back then, and he wasn’t quite allowed to tell the story. Like there was a pact, or a magic spell surrounding it. As if something profound and peculiar would occur if he broke the confidence.
 
It was thirty years ago and all us kids who’d loved Labyrinth then, and who still love it now, are all middle-aged. Saddest of all, the Goblin King is dead. Does the magic still exist?
 
I asked him what happened on his adventure.
 
‘I was withdrawn, more withdrawn than the other kids. We all got a signed poster. Because I was so shy, they put me in a separate room, to one side, and so I got to meet him alone. He’d heard I was shy and it was his idea. He spent thirty minutes with me.
 
‘He gave me this mask. This one. Look.
 
‘He said: ‘This is an invisible mask, you see?
 
‘He took it off his own face and looked around like he was scared and uncomfortable all of a sudden. He passed me his invisible mask. ‘Put it on,’ he told me. ‘It’s magic.’
 
‘And so I did.
 
‘Then he told me, ‘I always feel afraid, just the same as you. But I wear this mask every single day. And it doesn’t take the fear away, but it makes it feel a bit better. I feel brave enough then to face the whole world and all the people. And now you will, too.
 
‘I sat there in his magic mask, looking through the eyes at David Bowie and it was true, I did feel better.
 
‘Then I watched as he made another magic mask. He spun it out of thin air, out of nothing at all. He finished it and smiled and then he put it on. And he looked so relieved and pleased. He smiled at me.
 
‘'Now we’ve both got invisible masks. We can both see through them perfectly well and no one would know we’re even wearing them,’ he said.
 
‘So, I felt incredibly comfortable. It was the first time I felt safe in my whole life.
 
‘It was magic. He was a wizard. He was a goblin king, grinning at me.
 
‘I still keep the mask, of course. This is it, now. Look.’
 
I kept asking my friend questions, amazed by his story. I loved it and wanted all the details. How many other kids? Did they have puppets from the film there, as well? What was David Bowie wearing? I imagined him in his lilac suit from Live Aid. Or maybe he was dressed as the Goblin King in lacy ruffles and cobwebs and glitter.
 
What was the last thing he said to you, when you had to say goodbye?
 
‘David Bowie said, ‘I’m always afraid as well. But this is how you can feel brave in the world.’ And then it was over. I’ve never forgotten it. And years later I cried when I heard he had passed.’
 
My friend was surprised I was delighted by this tale.
 
‘The normal reaction is: that’s just a stupid story. Fancy believing in an invisible mask.’
 
But I do. I really believe in it.
 
And it’s the best story I’ve heard all year.
Paul Magrs (via yourfluffiestnightmare)

The Mellotron (1965)

laughlikesomethingbroken:

For all your Jewish-Pride needs. Reblog to make a goy angry :)

I’m hip, I’m with it. Just ignore the fact that I relate a 2017 SNL performance to a 1932 cult film.

The neural network has bad ingredient ideas

lewisandquark:

I’m training a neural network to generate recipes based on a database of about 30,000 examples, and one great (not great?) thing about it is it comes up with new ingredients that I’m pretty sure aren’t in the list:

1 ½ teaspoon chicken brown water
1 teaspoon dry chopped leaves
1/3 cup shallows
10 oz brink custard
¼ cup bread liquid
2 cup chopped pureiped sauce
½ cup baconfroots
¼ teaspoon brown leaves
½ cup vanilla pish and sours
½ cup white pistry sweet craps
1 tablespoon mold water
¼ teaspoon paper
1 cup dried chicken grisser
15 cup dried bottom of peats
¼ teaspoon finely grated ruck

And this is a thing that it came up with repeatedly for some reason, and was quite adamant that I use:

1 cup plaster cheese